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Gay Marriage Legal in 9 States After Gay Makes Slam Dunk

Posted: February 18th, 2010 | Author: Justin | Filed under: Lore & Other Nightmares | Tags: , , , , , | No Comments »

The Onion, poignant as always:

Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim

MONTGOMERY, AL—A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. “When I saw that dunk, I was like, ‘Whoa!’” said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. “A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us.” On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.

In Indiana, it’ll require a Colts Superbowl win. Maybe two in a row. And, it wouldn’t hurt if Peyton Manning were gay.

The Bionic Peyton Manning

Posted: September 8th, 2008 | Author: Justin | Filed under: Lore & Other Nightmares | Tags: , , , , | No Comments »

Sheesh:

INDIANAPOLIS — Chicago rediscovered its winning formula last night.

Play tough defense, control the ball and make no major mistakes.

No, it wasn’t enough to win a Super Bowl 19 months ago against Indianapolis, but it was the perfect scenario to ruin the Colts’ debut game in the new Lucas Oil Stadium 29-13.

Chicago ended Indy’s remarkable streak of 21 consecutive wins in September and October, the league’s longest run since Green Bay won 23 pre-November games from 1928 to ‘32. It’s also the first time since 2004 the Colts won’t start at least 7-0.

You’d think that with the $76 million price tag it cost us to build the frickin’ stadium we’d at least get a free Bionic Peyton Manning to go with it. Manning should be able to load the ball into his right arm and shoot it out over the field at no less than 110 MPH. Jeff Saturday’s knee could be fixed this afternoon while we’re at it.