Nothing Remotely Good

I hate remotes. Of the four I have on my living room coffee table, I like only one of them. See if you can guess which one. Bonus points if you can guess which company clearly took longer than 10 seconds to figure out remote technology.

And that one remote doesn’t require 3 inches of wasted space for a company logo or model number, either.

Comcast Now Outsourcing Work, to You!

So, it’s March. Time for my annual trek through Comcast phone-service hell to get to a rep to tell me how much my bill is going up. Each year, I call Comcast and say, “I can get the shows I want on iTunes for half the price. Give me half the price.” Then, they do.

This year was no different. I called up, went through SEVEN tiers of options to get to the person I wanted, with the last three tiers selecting similar options each time. Then, the guy tells me that Comcast gives everyone two promos a year, each lasting six months. Meaning, if you haven’t called for a promotion package lately, go do that. It can reduce your bill by a bunch.

Now, they’re telling me I need digital boxes and more shit I don’t want. In my “that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” category comes this gem:

Comcast: “You’ll need a digital converter box.”
Me: “Ok, is that free?”
Comcast: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, fine.”
Comcast: “Now, would you like to have us come out and install that for $19.99 or would you like to go pick it up yourself.?”
Me: “Oh, I have a brain, so I’ll just go pick it up and install it myself.”
Comcast: “Ok, that’ll be $10.”
Me: “Wait, what?”

You see, Comcast is actually going to charge me to $10 to drive up to 75th and Shadeland and pickup a box to install myself. That’s right, Comcast is charging me to drive across town to do their job. It’s like ordering a pizza on carryout, then being told you still have to pay the delivery charges because you came and got it.

And they wonder why Comcast is the most hated company in America.

Dear Comcast…

I recently received a letter in the mail from Comcast, now known as Xfucutity, or something like that. The letter went something like this:

“Dear Comcast Customer, our records indicate that you do not currently have a digital cable TV box in your home. We are informing you that after March 16, we will be discontinuing our service of our basic digital cable package and homes will now be required to use a digital cable TV box.”

This makes me mad because I hate boxes and remotes. I loathe the fact that they actually call their piece of shit box “a cable TV box”. Seriously?

Because I’m a sentient human being with a desire to eat and live in shelter, I decided nearly 5 years ago that I would not be fleeced by Insight, (now Comcast) in Noblesville because I thought, “what if I move?” Sure enough, I moved. I moved to Fishers, where I still had Insight, but I thought, “what if I move?” Sure enough, I moved. All the while, thinking it silly to pay money for a box I’m likely not going to need for long. So, years ago I went to BestBuy and bought a $400 cable tuner and DVR combo – sorta like a Tivo, but with no subscription fees because I hate monthly fees. With a passion.

I figured that Comcast would charge me $156 a year to “rent” their digital TV box. After 2.5 years, I’d be saving money. Sure enough, I’ve saved $390 over the last 2.5 years because I don’t rent a “box”.

Now, Comcast is forcing me to rent the box. Or, they’ll give me one for free if I want to take their basic local channel package with the locals instead of the basic package I have now which has the standard cable lineup.

But, I don’t want the extra boxes because I don’t want more things to plug in, more things to look at and more remotes laying around. I want 1 remote called “the TV remote”. To watch TV Land should not require the startup of cathode rays, descramblers, LCDs, infrared and radiators. I want to watch Andy Griffith in my living room, not on the Starship Enterprise. Plus, Andy Griffith is 40 freaking years old. People used to watch it with a metal stick in the ground and a screen with two knobs. Somehow, we’ve lost our way.

Do not be surprised if I drop them entirely and stick with just the Internet, which I can still plug into the wall like God intended. And, Andy Griffith streams beautifully from a multitude of sites.