I Discovered the Source of Litter

Today was trash day here in 46203. Indy’s Department of Public Works sent out their men and trucks to do the Lord’s work.

For years as I worked during the day and made the habit of bringing the trash to the curb in a trash can and coming home to retrieve it, I often had to go fetch the can out of the middle of the street or in the neighbor’s yard. I always just thought, “The wind must have blown it over there.”

Then, for a while, the mailman would leave nasty notes in my box saying things like “Please allow clearance near your mailbox for the postal worker.” When it would snow and the plows shoved snow up under the box and trash day would roll around I’d get two nasty notes. One calling me a loser for not allowing clearance and another calling me out for a failure to remove snow. Despite the fact that there was no time to deal with either.

Today, on trash day, I have learned the source of all the world’s litter: shoddy trash men. I had this vision in my head that a trash truck quietly rolls along the street and two appropriately dressed men would climb down calmly, pick up my trash receptacle with two hands, give it a good lift and shake it to bring out the trash. Then, they would look inside to make sure it’s empty and proceed to gingerly set it down where I left it on the corner slab of my driveway that was almost made just for such a trash can.

That is not how the scene works in reality.

Instead, when the trash men come rolling by and the noisy truck pulls along, they just hop off the back and toss trash around like a sack of potatoes. Except, you can’t treat trash bags like sacks of potatoes. The result is a bunch of trash just laying around the street and curb after bags break and crap falls out. I sit here at the house now that I’m self-employed and watch the trash guys handle my trash can like it was a nerd getting a swirly. Then, as the guy is walking the other direction he does a process I can only describe as “letting it go”. The trash can just sorta flails around like a beached whale for a while in the middle of the street.

Since trash pickup comes at 11:30 and the mailman comes at 12, the trash can will eventually lodge itself under the mailbox in such a way to strategically piss off the mailman.

The result is a trash-laden curb and nasty notes in my mailbox.

Indy Man Drives, Kisses with Motorized Camel

This is the craziest frickin’ thing I’ve ever seen. On East Washington Street at I-465, I saw this guy and when I was behind the car that THING turned around and stared me dead in the eyes. Creepiest thing ever. I thought.

I pulled up next to him to snap a photo and as the camel’s head kept rotating where the passenger seat used to be, the driver turned and kissed it on the lips. THAT was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.

Generally Confusing

Today, 85,000 exotic, likely unemployed, people will emerge on the crusty side of Indy. The Star’s opening byline goes like this:

Don’t be alarmed if you see a 6-foot elf walking around Downtown today. Gen Con, the convention for gamers and fans of science fiction and fantasy, is back for another turn in Indianapolis.

On my way into the office this morning I saw or heard these little gems:

1. One 30-something was humming the theme song to Super Mario Brothers. He looked large and as if he just stayed up all night eating pizza and soda.
2. Two teenage girls getting out of a taxi at the convention center. They were skipping into the convention center. And,
3. A guy dressed as the Joker.

Gen Con is the only convention the city hosts that’s 24/4. Meaning that those gamers can trade Pokemon cards from dawn until dawn for four days straight.

Welcome to Indy Town. And no, I don’t have any trading cards. Now get back to spending that $30 million the city expects you to drop while you’re here.