Women Have Vaginas. Deal With It.

Now that I have the attention of every straight male among my Twitter and Facebook following…

Say you make tampons and want to advertise on TV. Good luck, if you’re advertising in the U.S. Because of America’s fear of the female anatomy, hoo-ha’s and “it”, TV networks ban most euphanisms like “down there”, too.

For years, advertising for tampons and “sanitary products” have been shrouded in nebulous euphemism. So what happens when a US tampon-maker drops the coy messaging and goes straight for the jugular (so to speak)? Its ad gets banned by the major US television networks for mentioning the word “vagina”.

Even when the company substituted “down there” for vagina, two of the networks still wouldn’t run the ad, so the company was forced to drop the idea altogether. That provoked Amanda Hess, author of The Sexist blog, to observe: “Now, the commercial contains no direct references to female genitalia – you know, the place where the fucking tampon goes.”

Dear Comcast…

I recently received a letter in the mail from Comcast, now known as Xfucutity, or something like that. The letter went something like this:

“Dear Comcast Customer, our records indicate that you do not currently have a digital cable TV box in your home. We are informing you that after March 16, we will be discontinuing our service of our basic digital cable package and homes will now be required to use a digital cable TV box.”

This makes me mad because I hate boxes and remotes. I loathe the fact that they actually call their piece of shit box “a cable TV box”. Seriously?

Because I’m a sentient human being with a desire to eat and live in shelter, I decided nearly 5 years ago that I would not be fleeced by Insight, (now Comcast) in Noblesville because I thought, “what if I move?” Sure enough, I moved. I moved to Fishers, where I still had Insight, but I thought, “what if I move?” Sure enough, I moved. All the while, thinking it silly to pay money for a box I’m likely not going to need for long. So, years ago I went to BestBuy and bought a $400 cable tuner and DVR combo – sorta like a Tivo, but with no subscription fees because I hate monthly fees. With a passion.

I figured that Comcast would charge me $156 a year to “rent” their digital TV box. After 2.5 years, I’d be saving money. Sure enough, I’ve saved $390 over the last 2.5 years because I don’t rent a “box”.

Now, Comcast is forcing me to rent the box. Or, they’ll give me one for free if I want to take their basic local channel package with the locals instead of the basic package I have now which has the standard cable lineup.

But, I don’t want the extra boxes because I don’t want more things to plug in, more things to look at and more remotes laying around. I want 1 remote called “the TV remote”. To watch TV Land should not require the startup of cathode rays, descramblers, LCDs, infrared and radiators. I want to watch Andy Griffith in my living room, not on the Starship Enterprise. Plus, Andy Griffith is 40 freaking years old. People used to watch it with a metal stick in the ground and a screen with two knobs. Somehow, we’ve lost our way.

Do not be surprised if I drop them entirely and stick with just the Internet, which I can still plug into the wall like God intended. And, Andy Griffith streams beautifully from a multitude of sites.

Why Does America Have These Discussions?

I’m just blown away this evening. First, this guy:

A 72-year old man spent so much time on hold with a state unemployment agency trying to claim his benefits that he racked up a $700 cell phone bill, reports Jeremy Joyola of Eyewitness News 4 in Albuquerque.

OK, first of all we’re not getting the whole story because he probably called a thousand times listening to the recording over and over and over again at 12 noon on a Monday. I know people that do that because they’re evidently incapable of following directions or are afraid to “press 1 for English”. Plus, who makes a phone call on a cell phone and says, “Well, I guess I’d better keep using this.” Do we not know what a “minute” plan equates to?

Next up, this gem:

[A]s many as one and a half million people living in rural areas might not be able to get broadcast television channels as part of their satellite television service because the impasse has blocked the extension of the law allowing satellite companies to carry those signals.

Solution: read a frackin’ book. Then you’ll learn that you shouldn’t stick with a satellite TV carrier that is, evidently, incapable of giving you local service so you can know when the weatherman is wrong. That, or don’t expect to get much of any service when you live in the middle of the inside of a mountain.

When I lived in Salem we never expected cable TV, water and sewage lines or hell, phone service that worked – cellular or wired. Why? Because we lived in the middle of nowhere. If you want to be somebody with something, go live somewhere. That’s what I did and now I get to blog more.

Are The Simpsons Too Big to Fail?

Too big to fail?

For many fans — particularly hard-core followers in the mold of the show’s sneering Comic Book Guy — the glory days [of The Simpsons] are long past. Some refuse to watch anymore; others admit they still find it funny, but they’re disappointed the show didn’t bow out at the top of its game.

…

“It seems less cohesive, more about trying to get the jokes in there, instead of make a story and let the jokes come off of that,” he says, adding, “I just think there’s only so much you can do [with the characters].”

On the site, Burch now focuses on the show’s history, letting the more passionate fans moderate the chats about current episodes.

The Simpsons made their TV debut on April 19, 1987. The exact same day I was born, making them 22 years old. Maybe I share a freaky bond with them as a result.

Frankly, I find the newer stuff to be funnier. It’s timely, pulls material from real life and pokes fun at more things in today’s world. Most recently, the Simpsons were foreclosed on, held the first primary election in the nation and one show even revolved around “mApple” and “myPods”.

Earlier shows made ridiculous plots like Homer going into outer space or becoming the “Safety Salamander” and Maggie shooting Mr. Burns the norm. Don’t get me wrong — they were all great shows. I just think the newer shows are a different level of comedy that’s maybe a little higher-brow that what some folks are used to.