Buying a wedding ring is like buying a used car

Have you ever tried buying an engagement or wedding ring? Good god does that process suck — especially for gay couples.

Here’s how it works for most men:

“Hmm, I think I’ll propose to my girlfriend. I’d better drive to a couple jewelry stores.”

“Welcome sir, can we help you today?”

“Yeah, I’d like to look at engagement rings.”

“Certainly, right this way. Would you like anything to drink?”

And the guy gets the ring, gets down on one knee, yadda yadda.

Here’s how it worked for me:

“I think I’ll propose to my boyfriend. …wait, how does this work?”

I went to the “typical” jewelry stores on the northside like Shane, Jared, Kay, etc.  When you walk in, you feel like you’re about to buy a car. People in suits and dresses that look like suits swarm to you. You’re not allowed to just look at things by yourself.

It was 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon and I walked into Jared. A guy in a suit immediately comes up to me and asks me if he can help. “Yeah, I’m looking for engagement rings.”

“Oh, what’s her name?”

I stopped. Two things ran through my head. First, I was dreading this moment though I had prepared myself for it, but I wasn’t prepared for the guy to be wearing a cross on his necklace. “Shit, this is going to be awkward. Now we have to have a moment. What if this guy reads Drudge? This guy looks like the sort of guy who listens to Limbaugh and screams “JESUS!” like it’s “fire!” in a crowded theater.” The second thing was, “Why did you just ask me that like a dad grinning about his 10 year old son’s first crush?

“Oh, uh, Michelle. Her name is Michelle.”

So there I was looking for rings for my girlfriend Michelle, and listening to this guy drone on about their work and what goes into diamonds. All I could think about was, “Who the hell wears these god awful looking “chocolate diamonds”? It’s a rock, not a Reese’s Pieces.”

So after 15 minutes I managed to say, “I’m just going to look around and if I need anything, I’ll holler.” Then I kinda walked around and noticed that nothing has a price on it, and nothing is labeled clearly for people who don’t really know what they’re looking at.

If there are two kinds of people in the world, those who look at a menu’s food and order what they want vs. those who look at a menu’s prices and order what they want to pay, I’m definitely in the latter.

This process repeated itself at three other stores. Then I went to Shane Co. in Fishers and at 5:01 p.m., when I got there, the doors locked. I guess the next worst thing to banker’s hours are jeweler’s hours.

Eventually I just came home with nothing. I didn’t even have an answer on how the process was supposed to work. Do I get two different rings? Just one? Two of the same? Shouldn’t the engagement rings be “lesser” than the wedding rings?

Ever try Googling “how to propose”, yeah, good look with that. Good luck even with “how to propose gay”. Seriously, don’t search for that last one.

Clearly what I needed was a small, independent, jeweler. So I go looking for those and find places that also buy gold and probably sell you bail bonds all at the same time.

Clearly what I needed was a small, independent, jeweler … in Broad Ripple, Fountain Square, or Irvington.

So I found a couple of individuals: Nick Blum in Broad Ripple and Nancy Lee, just east of Downtown. Both were great to work with, albeit a little untraditional. But for this purpose, I like that. It was during this process I came to realize how awesome it is there really are no rules. I don’t have to do the dumb one knee thing. We don’t have to do a thing in a church with people sitting in rows. We don’t have to have some specific dress code or process. How awesome is that?

So the engagement rings came from Nick, and the wedding rings will come from Nancy, who did some initial drafts and ideas I liked so much I wanted to spend more time getting them right later on.

It’s no surprise that the traditional corporate suits at the usual places weren’t good enough.

An update on lousy reporting

I just read another piece of reporting that made my brain vibrate inside my head (go ahead, read it, I’ll wait. Now ask yourself how the people of Speedway, Beech Grove, Mars Hill, East 10th, or Trader’s Point must feel. Basically it’s a guy waxing about what he wishes his own neighborhood should be like).

I’ve been giving more thought and research to what a “new” news service might look like. My notes, while disparate still, are below.

For now, I’m just going to have to let this project go. Maybe someone else will pick it up and run with it and I’ll wish I had followed through, but it probably won’t happen.

My reasons are many. Like this:

Great ratings don’t come from eight-month special reports on Haiti, O’Donnell said. They come from the television equivalent of must-read newspaper columnists.  People tune in to see what their favorite personalities think. “When you get to 9pm in America … what they’re doing with their remote is ‘I want to know what O’Reilly thinks about this. I want to know what Rachel thinks about this.'”

Plus, I don’t have a big network of people. I’ve consistently foregone thousands of followers and Facebook “friends” in favor of something more realistic and manageable. I don’t have access to money and I have a disdain for debt of any kind.

I am unconvinced there are enough people across Indiana interested enough in paying, supporting, or even viewing much from a small team of people that can’t be achieved by an already existing network of blogs and (for now), Twitter.

I described it to someone yesterday like this: “A couple years ago a tornado hit Pekin, Marysville, and Henryville. Has anyone bothered to check back and see if those people stayed and rebuilt? Did they move, and if so, where and why? There was a flap in some counties that new construction was cost-prohibitive to do because old grandfathered-in septic systems now required more expensive updates. What happened with that? Did the State and FEMA do anything to keep or break their promises?”

I want a smart, slow-news source that asks bigger questions and delivers on some useful data and reporting.

I’m pulling a Jony and saying no to this project for now. Though if you’re reading this and want to bounce ideas or be of assistance, by all means contact me.


What does good local news look like?

Local and regional news outlets across Indiana generally report on egregious crimes (murders, rape, aggravated assaults, etc.), traffic accidents — particularly those causing death, and numerous opinion pieces with decidedly understood political biases.

The region lacks a news source that focuses on individuals, storytelling, and reader-friendly design. To name a few examples: TV news stations that have commercial-laden and buggy video playback, news stories limited by paywalls with arbitrary limits, click-bait headlines, ads in slideshows and the middle of articles, and otherwise amateur website layouts.

Readers deserve clean, fast-loading, easily shareable, and easy-to-read stories. Stories that inform, give perspective, and tell a balanced and fair account of conditions or situations.

Stories should include delightful and helpful features like one-page stories, no slideshow galleries (instead placing images in easy to skim thumbnails), estimated reading time, and responsible, scalable, layouts and typography.

What does the business model look like?

Readers should have a tie to their news sources like they do a local co-op grocery store, with minimal advertisements that are unobtrusive and relevant. News should be disseminated freely and treated like a public good, but because writers, editors, and other staff deserve to be paid fairly, readers should feel encouraged and ready to donate or sponsor.

Monthly subscriptions, possibly starting at $19 a month. Donation drives, sponsored posts written about staff.

What else is there?

A weekly one-hour long podcast with a panel of 2-3 people.


The news has no business being a business.

Why is it important to come out? Why did Tim Cook come out now?

Today I did what I rarely do: I read comments on news stories. Specifically the stories about Apple CEO Tim Cook coming out as gay. The comments generally filter into one of a few categories:

  1. That’s great.
  2. That’s awful.
  3. That’s not news, who cares.

People who think it’s awful are themselves awful people.

People who think it’s not news may be right — in another generation or two.

I can tell you why this is news, and I think Tim Cook knows it all too well: there are still a terrifying number of people who can’t wrap their brain around homosexuality.

These people are mostly in the south and midwest, and Tim Cook knows that given his remarks in his home state of Alabama the other day. And there are entire countries, like China, where he just returned from, that don’t tolerate homosexuality.

Despite the fact there’s nothing he or anyone else can do to change that. The old chestnut, “If I chose to be gay, when did you choose to be straight?” holds weight.

And for every person who called me queer, a faggot, or any other number of gay slurs, it helps knowing you’re not the only person out there. Because I assure you that in a lot of small towns across the world, there is literally just one or two openly gay people, and they’re often young people who don’t have the ability to just get up and leave.

People soften and develop better, more humane, views of the world when they know people they care about and respect are themselves “different”. And for all intents and purposes, gay people are “different”, just like blind people are “different”. “Different” meaning they’re not the majority. They’re not like absolutely everyone else or how social norms supposedly dictate.

So it’s not earth-shattering news, but it is newsworthy. While it may not be important to you, it probably is for millions of others, and if it makes one less person think less of gay people, then Tim’s done some good work.

Indianapolis news is bad, but I can’t fix it. Can you?

The other day I lamented on Twitter that the Indy Star, the state’s largest newspaper, had dozens of stories on their homepage, and all of them were editorial or opinion pieces. There was no news.

There are no local news sources that appeal to me. Nuvo strikes me as a paper for hipsters looking to drink beer and find a boring show to watch (literally, at the time of this writing the homepage is a big bro-bear in horns hugging a glass of beer). Every news station strikes me as nothing but “crime and grime” and traffic deaths, journalism parlance for gruesome murder stories and awful crimes that grab attention. Or it’s just Buzzfeed-style clickbait. The Star is increasingly just cheap editorials sandwiched between pieces I can’t help but think are biased.

Matt Tully has so been swift and adamant that this city will face certain death if we don’t get more preschool funding, despite plenty of research to the contrary. Made me wonder why, until I realized his daughter might skew his viewpoint (which is fair, but it’s a factor), and some possibly-wrong-and-ill-informed rumblings that his wife is involved with a large preschool here in town.

Erika Smith is liberal in her views, and Gary Varvel so conservative in his you almost feel surprised when either of them says something that sounds like actual reporting. In the case of Erika, if we’re not talking about the plight of poor people and transit, we’re probably not talking. And for Gary, if we’re not talking about how horrifying Obama is, we’re probably not talking.

It sounds harsh, and I don’t like criticizing people so succinctly, but our local news reporters have as much responsibility in protecting and serving the public as the police do.

We have some immensely talented individuals working in Indiana journalism. Nikki Kelly at the Ft. Wayne Journal-Gazette is a trusted source whom I actively seek out for reporting on big events. The now-retired Mary Beth Schneider from the Star also comes to mind. Matt Tully can write really well, too.

And for years I’ve wanted something like The Atlantic or Rolling Stone for Indiana or regional news. It doesn’t exist, and I don’t know that it can.

I have a project in my to-do list app called “”, a sort of working title and domain name that (for now) could be registered and made into that sort of long-form, captivating, well-written, journalism.

It doesn’t even have to be the sort of expensive hard-hitting journalism that takes months to do. I think by and large most of the time things are pretty quiet in the halls of the State House and city halls. But even just displaying some sense for interesting stories, like how a kid at John Marshall struggles to compete in a spelling bee can bring a world of insight to people who never get it.

Even our local NPR affiliate is pretty tame on news. I don’t recall a time when WFYI ever had a big scoop or story. The local news reporting strikes me as press-release gathering and some reliance on other local news gathering partners.

But I’m not smart enough to fix this problem. I don’t have the time, money, or resources to devote to building something to fix this problem. And for a lot of people, there is no problem. There must be a shocking number of people who care about the Star’s Falcon cam, or how big some Carmel/Fishers/Geist/Greenwood house is, or how long Andrew Luck’s neckbeard was. They must really like those “entertainment” pieces, and the market has spoken.

Not to mention the actual market dynamics of making money in this industry.

When I think about what I’d like to read, there are three components. A great online site, a weekly 1-hour podcast, and a really well-designed printed magazine-style piece that comes out monthly.

Maybe Indiana just doesn’t have that much news. Indianapolis Monthly is well-designed, but I don’t care about what wealthy Carmelites are doing to their homes, or what over-priced food I can’t afford to eat looks like, or whatever the hell a Swoon List is.

The Indianapolis Business Journal is generally very good and routinely delivers on details I can’t ever find anyplace else, but they sit comfortably in their niche of business news. There’s more to us than just mergers and land sales, right?

So I share this so if you or someone you know is considering or doing something that’s truly new and journalistic for educated, independent-minded, non-partisan people, get in touch. I want to help, or at least be a reader.

It’s not just me, right?

I called 911 after hearing gun fire, but I still want my gun

I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. to get a drink of water and use the restroom. I had a busy Saturday evening, so I was thirsty. But I didn’t fall asleep quickly after I came back to bed. By 4:30 I was still awake and then I heard what sounded like four gun shots. A first, then a short two second pause, then three more.

At 4:30 in the morning in Indianapolis, one’s mind doesn’t think, “Hmm, fireworks”, or, “Hmm, car backfire”. No, it was surely a gun.

So I called 911. “I’m in the 5400 block of Michigan Road, sounds like gun fire in the area.”  As I heard our neighbors rustle around in the night, I’m sure others in the area called as well. “Do you see anyone?”, the dispatcher asked. “No, our window’s open but it’s definitely in the vicinity,” I said. “Okay, we’re dispatching officers now.”

A few moments later I could hear an IMPD cruiser patrol down the parking lot, and I’m sure others were in the area. No doubt other calls came in to help police pinpoint an area or building. But come Sunday morning there were no news reports of any crimes. Maybe it was a false alarm, but in Indianapolis, no one thinks that.

I had four thoughts in very close order as I laid in bed wondering what was happening:

1. “This is why people move to the suburbs.” Even though Fishers is warning residents of daytime jewelry thieves, and all the other suburbs have an increasing amount of crime bubbling over the border.

2. “When I move back in the house, we won’t have this problem because there aren’t many young black men around.” I vaguely felt racist for a moment, but the data is clear: young black men are shooting other young black men. For the most part, no one knows what to do and there’s nothing anyone outside of a select few regions of town can really do anyway. “Just let them stew in their place” is the mentality of most.

3. “I’m glad I have my own firearm.” I keep a handgun in the bedroom, and even with no traffic, the response time for the police is about 4-7 minutes. I should know, considering how much they run by. 7 minutes is an awfully long time in a crisis. While there are plenty of times guns in a home make no sense, this feels like it makes sense to me.

4. “If guns were illegal, would this still be happening?” I assume it would. Marijuana is illegal and that’s practically sold like shirts from an Etsy shop.

News of a Gary man who shot a 13 year old neighbor for laughing at him popped up, too. The guy’s house was robbed, he came home, became very angry, walked outside, the neighbors gathered, the kid laughed and was shot 9 times.

It’s hard to know what to do with that story. If my house were robbed I’d be livid. None of this, “Oh thank goodness no one was hurt” business. I’d be flying-off-the-wall angry that someone would take my stuff, would put my pets in danger, and invaded my privacy and my space. People do stuff when they’re angry they wouldn’t normally do. I don’t imagine I’d go shoot a kid, but there’s a whole set of circumstances for the Gary man there.

My thoughts on guns are layered. I do not believe “no guns” is a solution. I don’t believe “all guns are great” is a solution, either.

Making guns illegal works only if they really are controlled, and I don’t believe our country can make that work. I don’t believe that the government would just shut down gun ownership, tell gun stores to close, and tell gun manufacturers to only sell to the government itself for military and police purposes. That’s a lot of political muster, but it’s also hard to imagine it would be successful, considering our War on Drugs and the huge failure that’s been.

So in that scenario, we really have just made it more difficult for law-abiding citizens to own firearms. And in other countries where this has seemingly worked, I just don’t believe American can do it. Maybe we can. If I thought it would work I’d hand over my gun. But until I know or at least believe that all the doofuses on MLK, 10th, and 38th street don’t have guns either, we’re stuck. I think the cat’s out of the bag here.

Gun crimes in Indianapolis flew out of control a long time ago. Everyone is tired of it, but we have a paralyzed system. We can’t lock criminals up for long or at all until someone is hurt or killed. We can’t just take the guns away. The police can’t predict crimes. And all the efforts on fixing this are focused on preschool for some reason. Brookings data shows preschool is great, until it’s not a few years later. So we’re throwing good money after bad. And no one’s ever said, “I got on the right start in preschool, now I’m a banker.”

But what do you do with the 19 year olds running around terrorizing the city now? You can’t put them in preschool. Again, the cat’s out of the bag there, too.

An ideal solution is boarding schools. If we all agree the home life of a lot of kids really sucks and it’s a vicious cycle, then stop the cycle. Put money from preschool and other similar anti-crime efforts and build boarding schools for high schoolers identified as being sorely at-risk for violence. It’s not juvenile hall, it’s not prison, it’s not going to destroy their records. It would be expensive, for sure, and I don’t imagine most places have the money or ability to pay for it. So again, we care, but, “meh”.

Experience from teaching at Vincennes University for a few years tells me that when you take kids away from a crummy environment, put good people around them, focus on education and give them no choice but to focus on education, they do really great. Then you send them home and it all falls apart again. A few weeks here and there won’t cut it.

And maybe that, in due time, will get us closer to a city that doesn’t feel under siege by delinquent young black men and get us closer to stopping mass gun murders. And maybe as a stop-gap measure we regulate bullets and not the guns. Maybe bullets should be treated like alcohol or liquor licenses.

There’s a lot of levers that need pulled, from schools to culture shifts to gun legislation. And it’s time to start pulling.